Start at the Beginning! Or else...

I really, really dislike watching/reading things out of order. I have this really weird need to get the whole story on the stuff I really like. For example, I cannot watch True Blood with my roommate because I have so far only seen the first episode, and it would drive me absolutely INSANE to randomly watch the most recent episode and NOT KNOW WTF IS GOING ON. No. She must wait until I have watched every single episode in chronological order before we can enjoy roomie bonding time over the fictitious creature porno show.

Another example: Watching all of the Harry Potter movies has now made me want to read through all of the books because I feel that there are so many miscellaneous and minor details that could not be fit into the movies. I love those details! Knowing them makes me feel very professional and knowledgeable.

While on the subject of book series, whenever I have to wait an extended period of time before being able to get the next book in the series I am currently reading, I have to re-read all of them right from the beginning. It seriously is a whole new experience when you get to motor through 5 books all in a row without interruption. In my opinion, it makes it so much more intense because my mind doesn't even have time to remember the real world. For however many days I am reading the books, I am just immersed in the fantasy world of the books I love so much. LOVE IT! Re-watching all of the Harry Potter movies in this fashion also made me like them much more than I ever remembered.

I also hate dropping in on movies that have already started. I will literally refuse to watch it unless I can see what happened since the very second the first scene pops up on the screen. If I don;t start from the beginning, I feel like there is a gaping hole in my movie experience. It just isn't the same.

Is anybody else like this? I'm sure this habit is only slightly freakish and abnormal...

Love gets me every time

I am absolutely addicted to romance. Those damn movies get me every friggin time! I just watched the movie called Timer. Basically in this world, everyone can choose to get this 'timer' implanted that will count down to the moment you will meet 'the one', as long as the other person also has a timer of course. If only one of a pair has the timer, then it will just show up blank.

How crazy is that?! I mean, this girl was basically OBSESSED with trying to find her 'one' since her timer has shown up blank since she got it. Ugh. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm still oozing cheesy romantic butterflies. My 'high' is the little knot in my stomach whenever I get so ridiculously attached to the story of people falling for each other. It's just too goddamn cute! I swear this will be my ultimate downfall because real life can really be a pile of dog shit compared to the stuff spewing out of the theatres. I mean come on, the real thing will never have the same 'perfection', and sometimes that can be real depressing.

Anyways, I think I will go listen to some really sappy music and eat some ice cream (homemade raspberry cheesecake FTW!) because it's pretty damn hot in this house right now. (side note: no A/C when it's over 30 degrees Celsius outside, really sucks BALLS)

Supernova and Brain Farts

I would like to start off by mentioning that it is mother effing TEN HUNDRED THOUSAND degrees right now, and I am mega tired but it’s too god damn hot to even pass the fuck out! I mean seriously, walking the 30 metres from my car to inside the house, my thoughts were as such: ‘I NEED TO TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES ASAP’. Don’t get too sexcited there... ;) Now before you get the impression that I am living in a shithole with no A/C, allow me to clarify: my roomies and I are all cheap bastards and will suffer through this heat because we don’t want to pay to turn on the A/C. This completely voluntary choice does not, however, mean that I can’t complain J.

*as a side note, I learned of the word ‘sexcited’ from Sara at Sara Swears A Lot. I feel that I have to give her a mention so I don’t feel like a word stealing little bitch. =)

Anyways, I think I’m going to talk about the oh-so-lovely BRAIN FART. Oh yes. We all experience these at one time or another and they can lead to either a fit of gut-busting laughter or the ending of relationships as a result of the extreme awkwardness and idiocracy. One of these such moments led me to discover the joy of saying TEN HUNDRED THOUSAND. Say it to yourself. Can you feel the awesomeness? It is just the perfect way to express ‘an effing shit load’ without the need for profanity. But yeah, hope you enjoy that shit! Here is how I came across such an amazing phrase:

(Don’t remember how we got to talking about lakes, but it doesn’t really matter)

Dad: Do you know how many lakes there are in Ontario?

Me: A lot...?

Dad: Ok, but guess how many.

Me: hmmm.... Five thousand!

Dad: No, much higher!

Me: Five HUNDRED thousand!

Dad: Nope, even higher!

Me: (no fucking way there are that many lakes!) Ok.... EIGHT hundred thousand!

Dad: Not quite!

Me: (he is totally making this shit up) NINE hundred thousand!!

Dad: Nope!

Me: omfg TEN HUNDRED THOUSAND!!!!!!!!!!!!

Insert momentary confusion here as my brain tries to decipher what just came out of my mouth

Dad: ...... if you mean one million, then YES!

And that’s how it happened!

Living the high life

Who doesn’t envy the life of a celeb once in a while? I mean, how freaking awesome would it be to have thousands upon thousands of fans just pining for a simple autograph or photo with you! Now, this could be the narcissism talking here, but I would totally accept that kind of attention in a heartbeat. Don’t get me wrong, I realize it’s not all balloons and bubblegum all the time for the A-listers, but I think it would be a real treat if I could just live the high life for like, about a week or two. That seems like a good amount of time. Just enough to fit in some serious pampering(hello diamond dust exfoliation!), couple talk show appearances, and some public outings to satisfy the paparazzi and show off my hot new wardrobe. Oh and perhaps a photo shoot as well. Those look pretty fun.

Anyways, since I am on the topic of celebrities, I think it would be a good time to put together a little list of my current celeb crushes. You ready for some serious eye candy?! I know I am ;)

These sexy beasts can seriously make my heart melt.. maybe during my two weeks I could end up in a Vegas wedding chapel with one of them..? A girl can dream..

Speaking of dreams, I once had one in which Ryan Reynolds proposed to me, and just as I was about to say HELL FUCKING YES... I woke up. The only other time I woke up so disappointed was when I won the lottery in a dream. Needless to say, I was a little bummed out that day.

I love being the youngest

Whenever my brother Rene would have his friends over for a weekend of drunken shenanigans at The Cottage (yeah, it’s a proper noun.. because it’s the SHIT), I would find my entertainment in being a witness to all things hilarious that were pretty much guaranteed to happen. It isalmost like a weekend-long sitcom. All I did was sit back, relax, and wait for the beers to disappear. Needless to say, things usually got funnier as the nights wore on...

One of my brother’s good friends Mike is always a real hit. Why? Because he eventually loses the will to wear anything but his briefs. I know, you’re thinking ‘Oh my gosh that is completely inappropriate!’ Be that as it may, it really gets a huge round of laughs every time. One of my favourite memories was a May 2-4 weekend a couple years back. On the last day we were there, Mike decided it would be a great idea to finish off a mickey of JD. Of course, he eventually was running around in his famous briefs which made me somewhat uncomfortable being the ‘little sister’. As I was packing the car, I had to walk by him and the other people and I cast an awkward glance in his direction. He then says: ‘Careful Laura, you might fall in love.’ I just smiled, perhaps let out a little chuckle, and quickly shoved the rest of my crap into the car and went back inside.

Anyways, this past Canada Day weekend most definitely did not disappoint. When I arrived with 2 of my friends, we were promptly greeted with a huge round of applause (there were probably around 15 people there already, so it was a hearty cheer and it made me feel special). There were so many hilarious moments that happened that weekend, and unfortunately I think they are of the ‘you had to be there’ type. Repeating some of them here would kind of kill the funny a bit.. especially since I’m not the greatest story teller in the world. I can, however, relay a couple pieces of advice a family friend so graciously shared with my friends and I:

Don’t trust women.

You can’t plan a good time. Except when you do.

Take your time, sour like lime.

Social Awkwardness

Has anyone ever actually noticed how much of our thought process is devoted to avoiding awkward situations? Let’s take a moment (or two) here to give a good fist bump –no – a kick-ass HIGH-5 to the parts of our psyche that want to avoid any kind of awkward encounter like it’s a plague. Let’s face it, that’s a pretty tough job!

A good friend of mine constantly loves to point out how incredibly awkward I can be. I suppose I’ve gotten mostly used to it by now, so I delight in making him feel like an upside-down turtle whilst I revel in his misery. Usually this kind of situation arises when I whip out one of my amazing(-ly corny) jokes that I most likely first heard from my Dad. Yeah, I’m talking about those jokes. The ones that, upon hearing for the first time, make you inwardly cringe and hope that no one whose friendship you value was around to hear it. Maybe I just want others to experience the kind of shit I have to put up with at home; either that or for whatever reason I actually find those jokes hilarious. Probably a mix of both, but mostly the latter.

Example:

Friend: I’m hungry

Me: Hi hungry, I’m Laura. [I’m holding back a good giggle until after the joke has sunk in]

Friend: ......... [gives me blank stare] ..... You’re such a fucking loser.

I then proceed to laugh at my own joke (which I do.. A LOT.. okay I pretty much laugh at all of my jokes) and simultaneously agree with his enlightening statement.

At this point I have just accepted the fact that I will continue to have awkward social encounters, and while I am completely at peace with this, I realise the anti-awkward part of everyone else’s brain will generally want to avoid contact with me at all costs.

Don't touch my candy stash.

The other day, while reading through other blogs, I made a list of a whole bunch of things I could blog about that happened to come to mind. Good thing I did because, reading the list now, I didn't remember half the stuff. I finally made the decision to write about what a greedy little grinch I can be. The first step is admitting it, right? haha.

As a child, I would seriously go ape shit for pinatas. I mean, I got to whack the crap out of something and it bled delicious, sugary morsels of aweseomeness. What kid wouldn't enjoy that? And sometimes my Mom loved me so much that she would even put loonies and toonies in there so I could spend all of that on even more candy. Can you say awesome?!!

Anyways, I was the Birthday girl, so I presumed that meant that I could do whatever the hell I wanted and no one could say shit about it. The parental units, on the other hand, were not on the same page. All of the kids got to take equal turns at hitting the rainbow-tassled donkey thing, and of course it always seemed like my turn was the shortest. At first I was a little bit peeved, I mean I've always had a desire to destroy stuff, so it wasn't really my cup of tea to give everyone else a shot at releasing the sugary goodness from the belly of the beast. But being a child genius and all, I immediately took advantage of the opportunity to grab as much of the loot as I could. Basically, when a friend of mine managed to bust that donkey open, the entire back half of the thing fell down and all of the candy was still inside it! Can you guess what I did next? Yeah. I bee-lined it to that donkey-ass, grabbed the entire thing, and ran away with all of my precious candy.

I tried to place myself discreetly out of view of the other kids so they wouldn't be able to see how I totally jipped them of their spoils. I felt extremely proud of myself. I basically snagged enough candy and small change to last me for a couple of weeks at least! I was in heaven! But, alas, all good things must come to an end. My Uncle came up to me and explained that I should share with everyone since I'm getting all the presents and all. Bullshit. The birthday girl should get everything! That includes the donkey-ass filled with candy. Seriously. Whatever though, he ended up tossing handfuls of it off the balcony so it would be evenly distributed among the other sugar addicts in attendance. Being only about 5 years old (I think), my grudge only lasted until we all took inventory and began the serious business of trading for our favourites.

The other story that comes to mind is when me and the fam jam (Mom, Dad, siblings) were all in the van together (I have no recollection of where we were going) and my Mom was handing out some cookies that she had. Me being so small and everything, I naturally ate a bit slower than my older brother. When he finished his cookie, he looked to our Mom and asked if he could have another one, except that there were no more cookies. I was completely aware of the cookie situation, so I knew that my delicious cookie was next on the ‘sharing is caring’ list. Rather than be the nice, 'sharing is caring' sister I am (usually) today, I promptly stuffed the rest of the cookie in my mouth before Mom could pressure me into sharing the rest of it. It was a damn good cookie, and I felt no remorse whatsoever.

The really funny thing is, I never really stopped looking for ways to get the most of the things that I love, mainly my favourite foods. Still to this day, whenever I am enjoying a delicious snack, I will naturally avoid walking past any friends or family members (especially Dad) that will proceed to steal what is mine to enjoy. I know everyone has done something like this at some point, so I don’t really feel bad at all. =)